I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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