Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
