Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize