I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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