I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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