she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
