I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just want to make out with him forever
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
