I wish my penis had an off switch
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
