WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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