Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
