I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize