At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize