You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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