Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
