Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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