We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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