I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
