A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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