i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Randomize
