my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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