I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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