Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
