so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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