So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
