I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
