Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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