Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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