five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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