I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
