I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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