hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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