I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
