I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
