I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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