Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
