and you said cock pushups were impossible
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
