I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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