do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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