I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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