apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
being pregnant is like rehab
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
