She is in my trunk
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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