I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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