What a fucking waste of an outfit
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We need a shit load of segways right now
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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