don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
