On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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