final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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