We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
