So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
