Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
