he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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