there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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