babies were throwing up all over the place
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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