dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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