I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
