If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
