that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
