i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize