I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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