we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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