I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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