i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just took my morning after pill in the library
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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